The Complete History of Canada (According to Stephen Harper)

ca. 15,000 BC – 1496 AD: Nothing at all happened.

1497: John Cabot (who was definitively not named Giovanni Caboto) discovered Newfoundland while in the service of England, at which point Canada entered history.

1608 – 1758: A bunch of Frenchy Catholic dudes held-down the fort for the British to arrive.

1759: In days of yore/ From Britain’s shore/ Wolfe the dauntless hero came/ and planted firm/ Britannia’s flag/ On Canada’s fair domain (and there were probably some French people there too or something)

1760-1812: Canada came into existence when heroic Tory loyalists fled their traitorous neighbours.

1812-1814: The Seminal Epic of Canadian History!!!!!!!!!! General Brock! Laura Secord! Charles da Salaberry! Tecumseh! (the natives having quietly popped into existence sometime after the French arrived) Standing firm against the vile Yankee invader (except not too vile, because we’ve still got to sign a free trade agreement with them in about 200 years)

1814-1914: Oh man, it was epic! There was “Royal” everything, and railroads all over the place, and pioneers, and that traitorous scum Riel got executed, and they beat those liberals Mackenzie and Papineau, and the Hand of Franklin Reaching for the Beaufort Sea, and fuck yeah, British North America!

1914-1918: The Other Seminal Epic of Canadian History!!! Vimy Ridge! Ypres! Passchendaele! White flowers for all of the cowards!!!!

1919-2006: The Canadian Dark Ages, characterized by socialism and devolution. Sole bright spots included only the reign of John George Diefenbaker, and Mulroney signing a free trade agreement with the traitorous rebel scum our heroic American allies, whose conservative movement is a light unto the world!

2006-End of Time: The Canadian Renaissance!  Pipelines everywhere! No more socialism!  Everything is “Royal” again!


About thevenerablecorvex

I have the heart of a poet, the brain of a theoretical physicist, and the wingspan of an albatross. I am also notable for my humility.
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