Sometimes I Just Hate Myself So Much

Now of course we can agree that, when seen from a certain perspective at least, I am actually a fairly amazing person with all sorts of ridiculously impressive accomplishments to my name. Indeed, for the past week and a half, I have scarcely received anything other than praise; I feel I am really distinguishing myself in this program here, and it is certainly a nice change of pace after the near monastic exercise in ego-destruction that was my Master’s Program to remember that, yes, I actually am pretty brilliant*.

And yet there are certain days–such as today–whereupon I just hate myself so fucking much.

Well no; that’s a lie. I don’t hate myself: I hate my body.

The truth is that I will never, ever look like a natal female; no matter how hard I try. And I thought that I had made my peace with that fact, but every so often it just creeps right back and jabs a stiletto in between my ribs. I am six foot four; two hundred and thirty pounds, and possessed of grotesquely oversized hands and feet; my shoulders are broad, my hips are non-existent. I have sunk more than a thousand dollars into the cause of burning my facial hair out with a laser beam, and the damn things are still there. Every time I pass by a mirror, all that I can do is to furiously hunt for signs of who I am.

I feel like a freak. I worry that every one of my friends who treats me as a woman is only humouring me. I have yet to meet anyone who genders me correctly right off the bat without my having to explain the situation.

I decided to transition so that my life could be own, rather than controlled by some accident of biology. But sometimes I wonder if I can ever be free…

_______________________________________

*I do apologize if this comes across as arrogant; if it’s any consolation to you, I’m about to follow it up with some pretty hard-core self-loathing.

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About thevenerablecorvex

I have the heart of a poet, the brain of a theoretical physicist, and the wingspan of an albatross. I am also notable for my humility.
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5 Responses to Sometimes I Just Hate Myself So Much

  1. Timid Atheist says:

    Nothing wrong with talking yourself up. I find it hard to say anything good about myself most days. I do not have your experience, but even as a cis woman I avoid mirrors because it reminds me that I’m not ideal. I’m fat (obese as the medical community calls my BMI number) and I’m hairy, though obviously that hair is soft and not as course as some cis men.

    I’m so sorry that it’s so hard for you. I have no way to help. But I thank you for writing and sharing your experiences, the good and the bad. Your writing is enjoyable and heartbreaking at times. It makes me want to be a better ally.

    I wish you the best going forward. And the best with your program. Sounds like you don’t need luck to do well.

  2. I think it’s unfortunate that in our society big=unfeminine. It’s one of those cases of an average being turned into an inflexible ideal. Women being shorter on average then men gets turned into women must be shorter then men or else they have failed as women. If it helps any, I think you look quite womanly, but I have a wider definition of that term then a lot of our society.
    Also, have you just done laser or also electrolysis? For the most part laser can’t completely eliminate dark facial hair, and it takes something like electrolysis to tidy up after the laser has done what it can.

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