Concerning Romance

It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been more than nine months since I broke-up with Nominatissima. I think, though, that it is time for me to move-on romantically.

This, of course, is easier said than done:  I am an asexual, lesbian non-passing trans woman.  None of these demographics make it particularly easy for me to find a partner.  There are may be a few candidates, mind you, but I’m concerned about viability.

You see, these people who seem to be taking an interest in me are sexual. And while I am not averse to the idea of dating a sexual person (and I actually really like some of my suitors), I still haven’t figured out how we will be able to iron-out that little detail of our definitional sexual incompatibility. One thing that is right off the table is polyamoury. While it may seem like an elegant solution for my partner to satisfy her sexual desires with other people, I’ve tried it before and quite frankly it was absolutely horrible for me. I know that this was not my partner’s intention, but it was degrading; it made me feel like a tertiary character in my own life story. The only reason that I put up with it for so long was because I had lost pretty much all of my self-esteem by that point as a result of difficulties in grad school, and I was convinced that no one else would ever love me because I was (once again) a non-passing trans woman.  I honestly do not know how I could ever put myself in that position again while maintaining a single scrap of my dignity. But it wouldn’t be fair to ask my partner to live in miserable celibacy on my account.

So right now my options are to learn to accept sex to satisfy my partner (this statement is full of unfortunate implications, I know, but I would hardly be the first asexual who learned to put up with a few hours of boredom in the name of happiness and companionship for the rest of the time*) or learn to satisfy them in other ways. At the risk of providing too much information, I’m actually somewhat interested in experimenting with BDSM, which, I have been told, is not definitionally sexual**.

I dislike navigating these obstacles. I just want to be able to be happy with someone I love.


*Whether this would work or not is another matter entirely. I mean, surely most lovers want something more than a toilet for their sexual desires.

**Of course, then I would need to be certain that my partner is also into such things, which is whole other can of worms.


About thevenerablecorvex

I have the heart of a poet, the brain of a theoretical physicist, and the wingspan of an albatross. I am also notable for my humility.
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2 Responses to Concerning Romance

  1. My girlfriend and I are struggling with the same thing. I’m asexual, she isn’t. It’s difficult for her not to take my lack of sexual desire for her personally. I’ve found that communicating very, very clearly about both of our wants/needs/limits is helpful, as well as defining boundaries and expectations. I don’t think you necessarily need to sacrifice something to be with a sexual partner; as cheesy as it sounds, if the person loves you for yourself, they should be willing to have a less than totally sexual relationship. It’s all about finding what you’re comfortable doing with them, and then making sure you express your affection in other ways.

  2. vampyremage says:

    Polyamory is often brought up as a potential solution or compromise for a mixed sexual/asexual relationship but I don’t believe it to be a good one. Most, I think, either have a polyamorous nature or not in a very similar way that most have a specific sexual orientation. For those who are naturally polyamorous I think it can work beautifully, but for those who are naturally monogamous, I think there will be problems in trying to use polyamory to ‘fix’ something that is ‘broken’. A healthy poly relationship adds another dimension and places something extra there but its not meant to fix something that’s broken. I think if its used as a band-aid type solution it not only fails to address the route of what the problem happens to be, but can cause a great deal of bitterness and resentment on both ends because its something that one or both partners are only grudgingly accepting.

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