I have managed to sleep for perhaps eight hours out of the last three days. It’s the anxiety which is keeping me up; mostly, I’m concerned about my thesis; I promised a draft to my supervisor for last Friday, but due to issues with the format, a certain sense of perfectionism on my part, a near constant parade of distractions, and the fact that I am readily allowing myself to be distracted because of how boring the editing process truly is, I’ve fallen behind schedule.
Unfortunately, I’ve now reached the point where I am too tired to carry on. I tried rederiving one of my results this afternoon, only to find that I had somehow forgotten how to do basic calculus; I feel like my brain is turning to clay. I tried to keep it running with tea, but eventually I drank so much that it started to repulse me, and I broke down in dry heaves.
But then, I try to sleep, and all that I can do is start panicking over the fact that my thesis is late*. And to make matters worse, the less sleep I have, the less I am able to manage anxiety attacks, so every little worry that I have has been piling up on me. I feel like I’ve got some kind of hot madness swimming around inside my head.
My strategy now is to force myself to sleep by means of exhaustion and warm milk. I’m of no use to myself or anyone else if I can’t even think straight.
Health is the bedrock upon which everything else is built.
*Why yes: I am going to see a therapist. Why ever do you ask?