After having taken estrogen, progesterone and androgen blockers every day for two weeks now, I can’t help but notice an unexpected side-effect. That is to say, I think I may have achieved a state that can only be described as the asexuality-beyond-asexuality.
I have always been asexual of course (as I have outlined many times before), in the sense that I can never recall a time when I have actively desired sexual intercourse with anyone. With that in mind, I laughed inwardly when my endocrinologist warned me that my sex drive could fall-off as a result of HRT. But as it turns out, there’s more to a “sex drive” than mere desire for sex; what I am experiencing now is a complete lack of sexual emotions whatsoever. Without boring you with the sordid details, I find myself incapable of even becoming aroused.
More particularly, I am no longer even aroused by the thought of having a female body. While that was obviously never the main motivator for the desire to transition, I would be lying if I said that there was not a sexual element to it. Indeed, as my therapist put it, he would be surprised if there hadn’t been a sexual element, given that I discovered it at puberty. But, with it now out of the way, I must confess that gender categories are seeming increasingly arbitrary…even to the point that, together with all that shit that my poor girlfriend has been put through by her family for no other crime than loving me, I’m starting to wonder if there’s really a point.
In some ways, it seems like my dysphoria can be adequately dealt-with by simply muting my gender expression, either through deliberately adopting a non-binary identity, or (more likely) by just taking a laisez-faire attitude towards my gender, and letting other people think what they want about me whilst identifying inwardly as a woman.
I have, however, heard that many transwomen express these exact sentiments during this stage in their transitions. That is not to say, mind you, that they are wrong.