Do the Dew

When I was about twelve or thirteen years old, I recall hearing a rumour circulating around my school that the soft drink Mountain Dew reduced the volume of the testicles of males who consumed it. More sensational versions of this urban legend further maintained that it worked as a sort of makeshift androgen inhibitor, delaying the onset of male puberty, or even worked as a synthetic female hormone.

Needless to say, I responded to this report by exponentially increasing my consumption of Mountain Dew. If you have ever wondered what it feels like to be transformed into an ape against your will, ask any transwoman who was unfortunate enough to transition after puberty. That’s not to say, mind you, that it’s bad to be a man; I’m sure it’s a perfectly fine thing to be if you happen to be a man. But I digress.

In any case, it almost goes without saying that this urban legend is categorically false. The only effect drinking barrels and barrels of Mountain Dew had was to make me xXxTREEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not really.


About thevenerablecorvex

I have the heart of a poet, the brain of a theoretical physicist, and the wingspan of an albatross. I am also notable for my humility.
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1 Response to Do the Dew

  1. Marti386 says:

    Never heard that one. If I had would have bought it by the TRUCKLOAD. I loved the stuff when I was a teen. But I hardly drink it anymore, I’m more of a diet Dr. Pepper girl now. 🙂

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