The Globe and Mail: Where the ‘K’ Stands for “Quality”

So apparently it’s really easy to get articles published in The Globe and Mail these days. All that you need to do is write something– anything, really–about the neverending torment that is the Republican nomination contest.

Take this, for example:

GOP Rumour Mill: Could Ron Paul’s Son Become Romney’s Running Mate

Republican leadership candidate Rick Santorum alluded to a possible Mitt Romney-Ron Paul alliance when he was attacked by both candidates during Wednesday night’s Arizona debate.

“You have to ask Congressman Paul and Governor Romney what they’ve got going together,” he told reporters. “Their commercials look alike and so do their attacks.”

Now, of course, to me a likely explanation could be that maybe that their attacks look similar because they’re both attacking Santorum’s percieved weaknesses, and their commercials look similar because, I don’t know, maybe the people who produced them went to the same film school for sleazy partisan hacks; if I were a journalist, I might maybe investigate this idea. But apparently it’s a good thing that I’m not a journalist, because real journalists know precisely where to turn for incisvive political commentary: why, the comments threads on online articles, obviously!

One of our Globe and Mail online readers commented on the idea of a Mitt Romney-Ron Paul pact and possible November ticket as laughable.

“Ron Paul is a man of integrity with a proven perfect constitutional voting record so why after 3 decades would he sell out to the establishment at this point?” wondered Globe commenter liberty2012.

Not just any online commenters, mind you! That special class of online commenters commonly referred to as “Paul-Bots.” But with this backroom deal hypothesis now having been discredited by such an authoritative source, the author is forced to redefine the paramters of his line of inquiry:

Okay, maybe not Mitt Romney-Ron Paul as the Republican presidential ticket against Obama-Biden. But Mr. Paul’s son, Rand Paul, who is a junior U.S. senator from the state of Kentucky, has had his name mentioned in the VP sweepstakes.

Why do I have the feeling that if I were to take a look, I would find that just about every Republican of note’s name has come-up in these ‘sweepstakes?’

Oh, but there’s more than just pure speculation fuelling this one, I promise! Rand Paul himself has been “fuelling the rumours.” And how has he been fuelling those rumours, you ask?

If Mr. Romney asked him to be his running mate, what would he say? “I don’t know if I can answer that question, but I can say it would be an honour to be considered,” he told reporters.

Well that certainly sounds pretty iron-clad to me! I mean, he was asked about a hypothetical veep nomination in the hypothetical future, and he didn’t respond by bitch-slapping the reporter, grabbing him by the lapels of his jacket and shouting “I WOULD NEVER DEFILE MYSELF BY ASSOCIATING WITH ROMNEY!” into his ears, so clearly it counts as evidence of collusion.

With such a strong lead to go on, could anything possibly take place to make it any stronger? Yes, as it turns out! Rand Paul is, by a certain metric, a stronger contender for the position than one of his hypothetical rivals!

But here’s another interesting development. The name more often mentioned as a VP candidate is Florida senator and Republican superstar Marco Rubio.

Young, charismatic, and Hispanic, he is, to many Republican voters and operatives, the dream VP candidate. And like Rand Paul, he has strong Tea Party support.

This morning, the website BuzzFeed Politics delivered an exclusive revealing that Mr. Rubio was baptized and raised as a Mormon before returning, with his family, to the Catholic Church.

Why would that change anything?

In choosing a running mate, the party nominee will often exercise something called ticket-balancing.

Some believe that Mr. Romney, himself a Mormon, is unlikely to pick a running mate with Mormon roots.

Well there you have it! Proof positive!

So, to summarize: Ron Paul and Mitt Romney are running circumstantially-similar attacks against Rick Santorum. We know that Ron Paul would never agree to be Romney’s running mate, because some hick online said so. But Rand Paul has not stated that he would decline a Veep nomination from Romney, and if Romney wins the nomination, and if he wants a Teabagger as a running mate, and if he doesn’t want said Teabagger to be a Mormon, then Rand Paul is a better candidate than the other name which fell out when the author gave his ass a nice good shake, so it stands to reason that some sort of deal must be in the works! Oh, and all of this is happening in another country. Clearly this story is worthy of publication by “Canada’s National Newspaper.”

Good lord, I hope someone gets fired for this one.

About thevenerablecorvex

I have the heart of a poet, the brain of a theoretical physicist, and the wingspan of an albatross. I am also notable for my humility.
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