Several persons of greater experience than I have informed me that I am presently in the most difficult part of my transition. This phase is difficult in that I am now ready, willing and eager to live as a woman, but I still look very much like a man, in spite of my efforts. Nowhere is this more problematic than when I go to the washroom; I have used only the ladies’ room all week, but I fear being seen in there out of the certainty that I don’t pass well enough. This lack-of-passing is reinforced by my interactions with people who have not yet learned of my new status, who apparently do not even notice that I have been wearing make-up and exclusively female attire all week (or maybe they’ve been too tactful to say anything; physicists aren’t generally known for their abilities to notice fashion cues, but surely the outline of my bra clearly visible under my shirt should raise at least a few eyebrows). Worst of all though is what I call the “Cinderella Factor.” You see, what will happen is that I will get up in the morning, shave twice, apply a generous dollop of concealer to hide my stubble (which is dark against my extremely fair skin, and thus clearly visible), put on some lipstick and eye shadow, and go out with a veneer of passable femininity. But like the princess of legend, this veneer will only last for a few hours, after which my stubble will grow-out enough to pierce through the layer of make-up (I am cursed with very dense, very coarse, and very fast-growing facial hair), making me look like a boy again. I suppose I could reapply the make-up during the day, but without a close shave, I feel like I would be fighting a losing battle.
Moreover, I suspect that I may have to dial-up the “femme”-ness. I have, thus far, been taking it rather low-key for a few reasons. First of all, I want to drive home for everyone the fact that I am the same person I always was; secondly it’s sort of my style. It’s not my intention to become a “girly-girl;” what I want is to be myself, only outwardly female. And part of being myself is maintaining some sense of formality in terms of my mannerisms and attire, which in practice means they tend to be on the gender-neutral side. I am not sure, however, that this is a luxury that I can afford at this stage in my transition; I may need to go further in terms of my style and mannerisms in order to compensate for my lack of inherent femaleness, just to emphasize the point that I am trying to present as a woman now. That probably means skirts, and more feminine styles of shirt (although where the latter is concerned, I will want to be waxed first so as not to gross everyone else out). I’m currently waffling on whether or not I should wear false breasts to school. Right now, I have a pair which alter my frame in a realistic enough manner (although they’re terrible to the touch, being as they are, essentially, bags of rice), but I’m afraid to wear them to school first of all because I suspect other people might find it bizarre, and secondly because I’m not actually “out” to my supervisor. That’s not to say that I’m doing anything to conceal my identity, and if he finds out I shall answer his questions honestly, but I’m not going to go out of my way to tell him. But I suppose that the agony of being percieved as a man in the women’s washroom should constitute a reasonable enough argument for me to wear them.
So I will put it the to my readers, many of whom have experience in this field : should I wear the breasts or not? Also, any other tips for feminizing my appearance are solicited.