Dilligent readers may recall that one my New Years resolutions this year was to get at least a half-hours worth of vigourous cardiovascular exercise everyday this year (not counting the time I spend riding my bike too and from work). I’m sorry to say, however, that I have been having difficulties keeping-up with this goal, for the same reason that I have been having difficulty sticking too my “four hundred words” a day rule (and, indeed, the same reason why I have been forced to cut back on my blogging): my laptop is down for the count.
Why you ask, should the relative condition of my laptop have any bearing upon my exercise regime,? Well, the truth is, I have taken to performing dance videos on YouTube as my primary means of working-out. I had formerly (when I lived at home) taken to running up and down the stairs between the first and second floor fifty times*, but having moved-out to go to University, I found that that was no longer an option. After coming to the realization that I was trangendered, however, I soon became eager to experiment with more (stereotypically) “feminine” forms of exercise**. With this in mind, I took some advice that a female coworker (and fitness junkie) had unwittingly given me, and looked online for dance workouts. I quickly discovered that I enjoyed doing them enormously, more than almost any other form of exercise that I had ever previously tried.***
Now that I have finally completed the ridiculously circuitous process of setting-up a paypal account for myself and used it to order a replacement AC adapter for my laptop, I look forward to resuming these workouts. But that’s just the thing: I am looking forward to resuming workouts! For those of you who don’t realize the significance of this realization, I shall inform you that all thoughout school, I hated gym class with the reckless abandon of a stereotypical nerd (except for games of dodgeball, but those were few and far between); I was enlisted in soccer for a few months as a kid and literally begged my mother to take me out of it. I enjoyed swimming, of course, but for some reason, if you join an organized activity based around swimming, they insist that you should be swimming competitively rather than for the shear joy of it, and as for fencing…well, it was awesome, but then I broke my leg, and the club in which I had been a member imploded shortly thereafter (it had been run by the Infantry until the detachment in my town was moved to some rural base, and the two best fencing instructors went with them; afterwards it was taken over by a loony fundamentalist with anger management problems; she was fun to stab, if nothing else).
Looking back on it, it now seems obvious that the real problem was that I simply could not engage in alot of physical activities that I actually enjoyed until relatively recently. You see, I have always been aware that, to the extent that a masculine-feminine spectrum exists, I fall upon the feminine side. But for a long time, I was absolutely terrified that other people might notice this fact (I’m still not entirely sure precisely what I am afraid of, but I am still rather afraid of it), and, more to the point, terrified to acknowledge it to myself, so I denied myself the right to partake in “feminine” activities. Now that I am (far too-)gradually coming to terms with who and what I am, I find that a world of opportunites is suddenly opening-up for me; not least o them in exercise.
*I tend to have a bit of a bad habit of reducing things to their most boring essentials.
**I have read of the possible existence of something called “gender euphoria” as a sort of giddy counterpart to the feelings of “gender dysphoria.” It is experienced by transgenderists when they first embrace their identities. I’m not sure whether or not this is a recognized psychological phenomenon, but it is an acccurate summation of my own experience.
***With the possible exceptions of swimming and fencing– because water and swordfighting are cool.